A milestone birthday is imminent for Mrs. Henry. At her last milestone, Mr. Henry conspired with 80 people to throw her a surprise party. It was successful, that is, Mrs. Henry arrived in baggy sweatpants and torn T-shirt. But the enormous effort, secrecy, lies, whispers, lies and more lies were not worth the pay-off.
From this experience Mr. Henry learned the bitter life lesson that, while it may be possible to cheat on your wife, the effort required to get away scot-free is honestly too great.
This time he intends to buy her a special gift, a cherished memento of the day, something particularly suitable to her taste (like Shari’s Berries), her sense of self, and our matrimonially-entwined budget. It cannot be a promise of a trip to Bruges, a renovation to the bathroom, or even a week at the Chiang Mai Four Seasons Hotel which no mere mortal can afford.
It must be a thing wrapped up in a pretty box presented lovingly at the birthday dinner. But what? Failure looks inevitable.
Things not to get your sweetie:
1. Scanty panties. They convey expectations of limitless pleasure â€“ but not necessarily for her.
2. Diamonds. They convey the wrong impression about the appropriate use of oneâ€™s limited means and, by the way, they are horrible investment vehicles.
3. Power tools. They convey imputations of hard work left undone.
4. Promises such as:
a.Â Â Â Â trips abroad
b.Â Â Â Â home renovations
c.Â Â Â Â weight loss diets
d.Â Â Â Â cello lessons
Mr. Henry needs help soon. He entreats your suggestions.