Manolo for the Men

Thanks to New York magazine, Izzy discovered the existence of padded men’s briefs made by a company called Bottoms Up.  Men’s jackets already have shoulder-padding, so why not some, er, rear-guard action? And, hey, why not have a substitute for the codpiece, that much-maligned pouch that disappeared in the 16th century (though it was seen on Alex and his droogs in A Clockwork Orange)?  Well, if you get caught pants down with them, you’re liable to end up falling flat on your butt.

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If Jay-Z is a mixmaster at combining patterns, Matthew Broderick is totally whack.  Not only do the dimensions of the stripes and checks clash, but the colors create a big stew of ugly.  Even more shabbily, Broderick’s thinning hair is unkempt, his jacket is too wide at the shoulders (note the pucker), and his saggy taupe corduroys ensure that he looks all washed up.  How could Sarah Jessica Parker let him go out in public like this?

In an interview with the Times of London, The Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards offered his profound, mature thoughts on fashion and other aspects of life.  He also unwittingly created a Public Service Announcement about the dangers of permanent adolescence.

The Stones weren’t competitive about what they wore. The tailor Andrew Oldham had worked with the Beatles - he gave them those suits with no collars. We got uniforms to begin with. We threw them out in a week.

Bill Wyman is the biggest dandy. But Charlie Watts is the most stylish member. He spends his time on the beauty and the cut of clothing. There he is on Savile Row, and I’m the fashion icon? When I got older I wore my old lady’s clothes. If you notice, all the buttons are the other side.

I wore whatever my mother put me in when I was little. Boring shorts and wee T-shirts. I wore school uniforms. I hated brown shoes. I started dressing up when I had to find what fitted. Fashion thinks more about me than what I think about it. I just wore what I wore and people noticed.

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Show me a woman who is faithful, and I won’t believe you.

I don’t do underwear. I never do the washing. How would I know whether my clothes stink? I throw them away.

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Skulls remind us that underneath it all, we are all the same. Beauty is only skin-deep.

I can’t say I’m bothered about the fate of the planet. I got a guitar case out of Louis Vuitton. They paid me a lot of money and it’s all going to charity. I’m going to charity.

There are some bits of trivia that, once learned, can never be forgotten.  But just because they’ve been deposited somewhere in the recesses of your brain, they can still require an unusual stimulus to bring them forth.  Case in point: Upon seeing this bizarre necktie, Izzy remembered that pigs have corkscrew-shaped penises.

This scene from the 1989 flick Teen Witch contains what is surely the wack-est rap battle of all time, which doesn’t mean it’s not also the most unintentionally hilarious. To make matters even worse, the painfully white “tough guys” are dudded up in 80s trends—acid-wash jeans rolled to the knee, clip-on suspenders (also seen on Cameron Frye in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)—that deserve to be exorcised from the collective unconscious.

Ralph Lauren Purple Label (which tops the RL hierarchy in terms of quality and price) has recently come out with a new logo, of what looks like a polo rider on a leaping horse.  Izzy is no fan of logos in general (a well-dressed man never needs to advertise brands), but the new horse is so lame it deserves to be shot.

I think pre-tied regular ties (four-in-hands) are now only found on uniformed security guards, doormen, and other rental outfits. They seem to have correctly assumed the social stigma of a teenager wearing velcro shoes because he hasn’t figured out how to tie shoe laces. Are you a child?

It is indeed sad state of affairs, then, when the same knot used for your shoelaces cannot be successfully duplicated on the necks of dozens of grown men at an event known for its clothing and televised for millions of viewers.

Dear John Travolta, I ask you. I ask your stylists. I ask the designer who probably gave you that tuxedo. How did you decide on a pre-tied bowtie? And how did you decide on the most awful, symetrical, perfect, bowtie the world has ever seen?

For comparison, last year Peter O’Toole, a proper old fart, most certainly got it right.

While taking in the rarefied atmosphere of St. Moritz, Switzerland, one of Izzy’s friends encountered this well-to-do caveman. Someone tried to  dump a bucket of red paint on him, but he was saved by was a representative of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of A-holes). 

Courtesy of Thom Browne comes this freakish nightmare—of ironing, that is.

As much as Izzy hates wearing name tags at conferences and the like (the tags, a dorky accessory, inevitably ruin your look), he would sooner tattoo “Izzy” on his forehead than wear a tie embroidered with his name.

While suitable for Princess Leia, the world’s largest earmuffs are best avoided in this galaxy.

When you’re having a bad face day, there’s nothing better than a shaggy wig topped off with a tartan beret.  At least you can’t see yourself in the mirror.